I heard it today from my mother, my grandmother (her mother) is in a very critical state and her days seem to be soon be over. I just wanted to write somewhere about the feelings that it brought up in me.
At first I was not that devastated. She is after all over 94 years old and has been struggling with her health. Still after a moment passed the feeling changed a bit and the message kind of “hit” me. I started to feel sorry of my own actions, that I had not called her in a bit. I was trying to get myself to call her multiple times during the past two weeks but I had not called her and now after the call with my mother, as I tried to call her but did not get an answer, I felt that what if I have lost my chance to ever talk to her. By these kind of thoughts the finality of the situation started to sink in. It was really going to happen and I might not get a change to interact or talk with her ever again. The other possibility is that if I will be able to get a hold of her by phone and possibly visit her with my mother all of the things that I will talk to her or see her will be the last that I have with her. The timeframe and the distance to see her might cause some challenges to see her. She is in another city and it will be a days drive to get to her as I have to pick up my mother before that from totally different direction and then drive to her and I am not totally sure at the moment of the realistic timeframe that she would have left.
Continue 02.07.2022
Well I now had the time to finish this post. What happened was that I visited her in the hospital days before her passing. She was in a weak state but still she was able to recognize me. Me and my mother spend little shy of three hours there with my mothers brother (my grandmothers son). So I got to say kind words and thank her for all the things that she had done for me or people I knew of. I got to hug her and in my own way I felt that the hug gave her safety and comfort in the situation unfolding.
After visiting her it was something like three days and then she was gone. I felt so good for my visit. It was a close for both of us. It was a place to thank and appreciate all that she had done in her life. It was and still exists one of the choices that I have made that I would never regret. In hindsight I started to even feel that she did the same to me, thanked me as I did her.
After her passing I have not had any sad feelings or things that I would be looking back at. I feel that death is a release of all the burden of the world to a better place, so I do not really have a reason to feel that way.
It was her time and I feel fortunate that I could participate in the close of her time here in our current world.
Thank you for reading!
-Markus
